Under the weather and gunky

To say the least, I ain't feeling well at the mo, which has made me rather unproductive, which is a pain in the arse considering my epic to do list, I just don't have the energy or sufficient attention span to get anything done. I'm hoping Enya can heal these faults for me, how I love that lady.

Questions

Really not happy with the title so any suggestions welcome.

Questions

What is all this
All this existing we do
What does it mean
Why am I me
Why was I not born you

And will we ever perceive
Or remotely understand
The point of humankind
Why were we divided
Woman and Man

As days blend and hope fades
Like a dying breed
And we sink to new levels of
Depravity and greed
No difference these days
Who’s right
What’s considered wrong
How can chemicals
Fuel emotions so strong
If we’re all born with no souls
Not meant to move on

How can we progress to a greater path
When will the eternity end
When will we rest
When will we finally be at peace
Laying down all arms
Letting all feuds cease

If this is the only chance that we get
Live it and love
However you believe is best
And remember that one day
You will end and leave this behind
For the rest of us survive
In your wake

State of Mind

State of mind

After all it’s just a state of mind
A malleable affliction
Conflicted inside
Aren’t we all restricted some way

Don’t we all feel confined
And reach to the depths of the mind
To release answers beyond our reach
So what does it matter either way
If I’m infatuated with gothic ends
They will subdue to a dismal grey

Thriving in insanity an odd comfort
It sets you free
Allowing breath easily as
All thoughts cease
With new eyes you see

All that is left unperceived
All that is shunned
All that’s diseased

You take note and empathise
With strangers
Recognise their plight
And truly understand
Their state of mind
Even if it’s beyond
Your life

That’s not the point
All it is, is listening
And listening’s free

This minor affliction
Minor mental illness
Gives so much more
Than you can see
So much more that
These words I do not need
To show you the things you’ll
Never see
An invisible word to you
In which I am set free.

Returns

Returns

I recognise that it’s not a great feeling
That need to self-destruct for no good reason
But it’s all I can think of to do

What else can be done
When the head’s
Letting you go
And leading you into
The shadows once again

And I must admit
I rather like it
Feeling psychotic
And I can’t help smiling
With all probability
I’m losing my mind
To the illusions of fantasy
Shaping clouds in the sky

As the clouds project a
Dismal future
Maybe this is just the final overture
Before the end comes to pass.

Eyes of a Child

Eyes of a child

Looking into the eyes of a child
Reflecting back shades of the past
Photo’s say all
And you can’t help but smile
Looking into the eyes of a child

Wearing a police man’s costume
Thumb up in salute
Rather cute
I suppose but if you
Look into the eyes of child
See a glimmer of fear
With one panda eye

Flick through and find a
Child sat on a stool
Legs black and blue
But she’s smiling at you
In pain restrained
Can’t find the words to say
Or articulate the pain

Remember those days
When she danced and played
Quiet and shy
Always something to hide
You can see that truth
In the eyes of a child

Looking now you can’t avoid
The eyes of the child
All the secrets they tell
If you’re willing to see.

Alive in the Mind

Alive in the mind

I can see the hurt in your gaze
In the corner I crouch crying alone
No one hears me or cares
My reflection is hate, heart of no home
I’m reaching for more than I deserve
They misunderstand me and digress
Taken hold of my soul burning to hell
I’m drained, aimless

Like dawn approaching, I squint eyes tight
Blind overwhelmed, but no strength to fight
Living rich in memories bring a twinge of a smile
Absent from present, alive in the mind

And I’m persevering to love you less
As it starves me and I come undone
I’m weak without defence
Loving you ain’t no fun
And it’s hard to move on
When you’re looking like that
So radiant effortless, I slip
Loving you more, I’m lost and trapped

Like dawn approaching, I squint eyes tight
Blind overwhelmed, but no strength to fight
Living rich in memories bring a twinge of a smile
Absent from present, alive in the mind

I watch you walk around with others
I smile a courteous bitter smirk
I’ll watch you rise through the ranks
As I wallow in the dirt
Jealous with no right
Shrinking back in to my dark roots
But nothing it seems
Can distract me from you

Like dawn approaching, I squint eyes tight
Blind overwhelmed, but no strength to fight
Living rich in memories bring a twinge of a smile
Absent from present, alive in the mind

Raining Flames

Raining Flames

It’s raining flames again
As we fight on through the din
In my dreams you persist
And you’re saving my skin
What is this, change of heart
Stroking my head through my hat
Fingers at neck and I smile
You are always on my mind

But dreams are dreams
Flames rain on and they fall
To sparks bounce and regain
All the beauty you exude
Radiating grace

Beautiful baby different
These days
Yet so beautiful darling
I would follow you for years
For the sake of love, insanity
I’m leaving you behind
Don’t want to know your life
Too much already disclosed

But dreams are dreams
Flames rain on and they fall
To sparks bounce and regain
All the beauty you exude
Radiating grace

It’s raining flames again
Dreams haunt all the same
See your face partial in crowds
Nervous glances my way
Checking I’m observing the
Unspoken rules
You know what it’s like
The love of a fool

But dreams are dreams
Flames rain on and they fall
To sparks bounce and regain
All the beauty you exude
Radiating grace

See the fear in your eyes
As I approach you hide
I brush past in haste
So not to prolong pain
Can’t tape it back
Together again
And I’ve lost all hope
Relying on dreams

But dreams are dreams
Flames rain on and they fall
To sparks bounce and regain
All the beauty you exude
Radiating grace

Running Out of Time

Written after watching Philadelphia ages ago, and crying... alot.

Running out of time

And I’m thinning, slimming down finally
Coughing up red, find it harder to breathe
But I’ll maintain the façade she doesn’t see
I’m running out of time

We’ll go for long walks to the park
Five minutes in and I’m drained but I lie
Let’s stop, watch the birds
I’m running out of time

She talks to me of boys and shoes
My attention slips, defers I’m used
And spent, I crumble to collapse
I’m running out of time

They rush me in, I shiver and shake
The doctor says I have days
As tears spill I turn my head away
I’m running out of time

My reflection is a pasty grey
The eyes blue black, I’m weak and frail
Surround by white masks I cry
It’s the end of the line
I’ve run out of time

Restless

Restless

They once shared a courtship
Untouchable renowned
Inseparable for love or money
No friends allowed

Every night she sat in wait
Exact clothes the same
Face revealing cracks
Restless in her love
Too immersed to step back

Obsessive loners, united alight
Constrained by the times
He abandoned their bed
And left for the fight

Every night she sat in wait
Exact clothes the same
Face revealing cracks
Restless in her love
Too immersed to step back

They parted hysterical
Locals thought them mad
Their last moments spent in tears
Shouting proclaiming their love

Every night she sat in wait
Exact clothes the same
Face revealing cracks
Restless in her love
Too immersed to step back

Days turned into weeks
She wrote everyday
Received no reply
She’d persist all the same

Every night she sat in wait
Exact clothes the same
Face revealing cracks
Restless in her love
Too immersed to step back

There was talk of the lost
Papers littered with names
She received the letter
Left it un open afraid

Every night she sat in wait
Exact clothes the same
Face revealing cracks
Restless in her love
Too immersed to step back

Booze fuelled curiosity
Revealed he’d lost his war
She barely felt the blade as
She split flesh drained all

Every night she sat in wait
Exact clothes the same
Faces revealing cracks
Restless in her love
Too immersed to step back.

Release

Release

Release and let go, close your eyes and feel
Strength grow from within
You’re worth more than you know
So release and let go

Have you ever closed your eyes
To centre and calm the nerves
As the fists fly at you attack you
And smoother,
Close your arms tight
Around your chest and heart
Protect and lock down
Defence and disarm,

Stretch your legs, stiffen your back
Stand tall, push, step, stride away from the wall
Pick up pace and prowl
Pause to crouch and retract
Explode in fury, turn off and let go

Release and let go, close your eyes and feel
Strength grow from within
You’re worth more than you know
So release and let go

No red mist or blur is clouding your gaze
So you detach and let rip as you cut them down
Your weapons of choice, brain, lips and mouth
Words drip and bleed to collect at your feet
But pay them no heed, ignore and proceed to
Cut, dice and slice, destroying their veiled integrity
But it’s no easy feat as it drains your energy
This woman of war, is damaged you see
Insecure in her role and femininity
When he strips her of all dignity
And encourages bad habits because
She deserves it you see
Why not, one more glass to unwind and release
All the guilt she ignores til all thoughts cease
A single minute later she’s at your feet
Drunk and slurring, begging you to forgive
So lift up your shirt, show her your branded skin
What’s the point in forgiveness it won’t change a thing
So walk away head held high and refuse to give in

Release and let go, close your eyes and feel
Strength grow from within
You’re worth more than you know
So release and let go

Tears stain a broken woman exhausted by love
Fatigue graces your features as you stretch for the door
Shoulders slump and round, head bowed low
There’s no one to call, you’ve got no where to go
After a heavy sigh you close your eyes
Step out onto the street, a bus claims her life
No more nights will she wake in terror and shakes
No more time suffered in pain and heartache
No longer will she walk the midnight streets to escape
She can rest now eternal, release and forsake
The future that she will never have to endure
The potential wasted on a drunk and a bore
Her eyes flicker, lick the air for one last go
Then close forever, she’s no longer alone

Release and let go
Release and let go
Release and let go

San Francisco Free

San Francisco Free

At home in the hills
Climbing to peaks
Observe beauty for miles
Watching life pass you by
At Californian pace
San Francisco days

Walking miles to the beach
No complaints
Breathe it in
Brace against the brace
Merge into the streets
San Francisco free

Baker beach beware
Nudes to the left
Just so you know
Take care
Undercurrents will
Wash you away

Walking miles to the beach
No complaints
Breathe it in
Brace against the breeze
Merge into the streets
San Francisco free

Leave the dunes
For the heart
Clash of cultures and art
Collaboration natural and works
A different class of people
With San Franciscan souls

Walking miles to the beach
No complaints
Breathe it in
Brace against the breeze
Merge into the streets
San Franciscan free

Pressure

Pressure

Aggressive and stubborn
Digging in the heals
Spoilt brat, grinding teeth
Screaming
My blood pressure boiling

I swallow the bile that
Comes to my mouth
Swallow the words
As you’re spitting them out

Vile, angry
Viscous and mean
You’re pushing all my buttons
I’m too restrained
It’s extreme

This depth of anger
That knows no base
Consuming completely to overwhelm
Yet I barely fracture
Never break

A little crack at the surface
A slither, a slice
Before it’s buried away
To fester for the fight
That eternally waits

But what future waits for me
If I don’t leave
Terrified of the outcome
Might I kill
May you bleed

I have to get out
Before we all come undone
I’m desperate to save you
But it cannot be done.

Petty Demands

Petty Demands

Come on come on
Touch me move me
Stir me into now
Too much time spent
Scared in maybes
Confirm my wants
Just take me
Cause I’m yours

Watching as the silence mounts
The sections harmonise
To a cacophony of movement
With structure and style
Guide this hand
Into yours
Take me away just for a while

Tired of sitting in study
To gage the merits and flaws
Insecurities instantly soothe
Cause we’re not alone now
Yet we will persist to impress
Perform a little constantly

Just in case